“You Found Me” came to me chorus first, as most of my songs do. And then when I sat down to write the verses, they quickly flowed out of me. The creation of the verses’ melody was a little more tricky, but I got there eventually.
When I wrote these lyrics, I was worried that without explaining them, they would seem nonsensical. But really, so much of music seems that way to me anyways so I gave up that worry. When you really think about it (and look at the history) music is much like poetry (and some would even say IS poetry). And we don’t expect poetry to be blatantly obvious all the time, do we?
Anywho, on to the lyrics!
Have you ever lost yourself? Like lost your true, authentic self? The ‘self’ that is your joy, your love, your wisdom, your feelings, your beliefs, your connections? That’s what this song is about. Well, not really. This song is about FINDING that part of yourself again. Or rather, being found by that part of yourself.
“Once I was gone again/…You found me.” Sometimes my ego and my ‘idea’ of who I am gets so far in the way that I can’t see the real, authentic me. This song is about letting that ego fall away, essentially die, so that I can be reunited with my true, authentic self. Which is always there mind you. That’s where the lyrics “You whispered in my ear/I was always be there” come from. Because my authentic self is always there. It just gets covered up by my ‘idea’ of myself or my worries or doubts or fears and that ‘idea’ or worry or fear has to die or I have to release it, to actually see what’s been there the whole time: me.
And this process of removing the ego to reveal who I truly am is never fun. Never easy. That’s why I say “I’d fallen down so far/the ground was so damn hard.” Because that shit hurts. The pay off is great, of course. And it happens again and again. Hopefully one day, I’ll live from my authentic self all the time, but right now, this is a process that happens over and over again. That’s why I say towards the end of the song “Don’t, don’t you let me go/ Oh baby, never go/ You found me.” Because I know this will happen again. I will lose myself again and it feels so good, so right, to be in my authentic self and I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to forget, even for a second, who I really am. And there is my true self, coming in again “You whispered in my ear/I will always be here” reminding me that I never really ‘lose’ myself. My authentic self, my true self, is always there and I am never without her. And that feels good.
The cover art that I created reflects this motif – my authentic self cradling my dead ego. Both smiling and at peace.
Humility – it’s something I learned an awful lot about back in my very Catholic days and every now and again, it pops up from my subconscious. Just as it did one day when I was sitting on the couch, feeling rather pleased with myself for finding a clever solution to a challenging problem. As I contentedly thought about the work I had completed, a voice in the back of mind whispered “Stay humble. Humility is a virtue.” And for one deflating moment, I believed it. But then I wondered, ‘What is humility, exactly?’ I’ve always had a vague understanding of what humility is but didn’t know the exact definition. I opened my phone and got this: “hu·mil·i·ty (noun): a modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.” Well, now, what about humble? So I looked that up too: “hum·ble (adjective): having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.”
Well, that is definitely not something I believe. I don’t believe it is a virtue for me to keep a low view of my own importance. In fact, I think it is detrimental for anyone to do! The world does not need people who think they are less than others – the world needs people who are not afraid to recognize and claim their own power. Perhaps that’s part of the reason our world is in the state that it is in – people have been told that keeping a “low view of one’s own importance” is a good thing. So we’ve doubted ourselves and quieted our voices all while the person who told us to ‘stay humble’ is tooting his own horn louder than anyone else and enjoying all the space he created at the top of the tower.
No, humility is not a virtue – it is a tool to keep people ‘in their place.’ And I will no longer allow that lie to take up precious space in my head or my heart. It is my belief that we are all just as important as everyone else – no more, no less. And when we claim that equality and the power that comes with it, great things can happen.
I say tantrum, but I look at it through more of an RIE parenting lense so really she had a 30 minute emotional release. And it all started because she wanted to play with the printer’s tray and I wouldn’t let her. I said, “I won’t let you play with the printer” and physically prevented her from reaching it. She pushed against my legs, crying for the next 30 minutes. And I just let her. I didn’t put her in time out; I didn’t try to bribe her or distract her with something else; I didn’t try to rationalize with her – I just quietly and calmly held the space for her to have her feelings. The most I did was prevent her from hurting me or herself and acknowledge her feelings a few times at the beginning. And I didn’t take it personally – I knew that all this crying and pushing wasn’t about me or about the printer. It was about something else entirely. Perhaps it was about all the changes that have taken place in our lives the past two months or the busy-ness of it all. Or perhaps it was something else entirely. To be honest? It doesn’t matter what it was about. What mattered was that I was able to be her safe harbor as her emotions crashed over her.
When we were about 20 minutes in, I started to wonder what the world might be like if everyone were able to have such emotional releases. If there was a judgment-free, intervention-free place where adults, teens, or children could express their anger or frustration or confusion or sadness or whatever else they might be feeling and have others quietly and courageously bear witness.
I was lucky enough to be a part of such a space for 7 years in my women’s circle and I can attest that it is truly powerful to be allowed to express one’s feelings with total acceptance. These marvelous women would bravely sit in a silent circle and bear witness to my pain. They would not offer me a tissue when my nose began to run or give me advice on how to ‘solve’ the problem. They would simply sit there, listening, watching & waiting, as I moved through my emotions. At times, the sobbing would slow down and it would seem that I was done, but these women were wise and knew to wait. A few minutes would pass and a new wave of grief or pain would wash over me and it would all begin again. They trusted that I was strong enough and capable enough to feel my feelings and to know when I was done. It was a powerful experience that I am incredibly grateful to have had and to have given to others as well, including my daughter today.
And what happened, you might ask, at the end of that thirty minutes? My sweet daughter lay on the floor, stomach down, completely spent and sniffling slightly as her breathing began to return to a normal pace. She lay there quietly breathing for about 5 minutes before she looked up at me slightly and said, “Can I watch Sarah & Duck?” And that was it. It was over and we cuddled on the couch watching our favorite duck waddle about on the TV.
It’s my first post of 2018! Woohoo! How’s your 2018 going? Mine has gotten off to a rocky start. Things always seem to fall apart for us after the holiday rush of Christmas and New Year’s is over. So I decided to revive and revamp some old reminders on my refrigerator. I had put them up sometime last year and then taken them down months later as they seemed like they were no longer needed. Ha! I was incorrect. For me, personally, these reminders are helpful with my daughter who is in the throws of the terrible (or terrific as my mother-in-law likes to say) twos. The first two are to help keep me grounded:
So often problems with my daughter arise when I haven’t been taking my time to meditate and breathe or because I’m trying to move at my adult pace. Granted, sometimes moving at an adult pace is necessary, but often times it is not and it’s important for me to remember to s l o w d o w n. For me, I find that something magical happens when I slow down and move at my daughter’s pace. I’m able to see the world from her eyes and be fully present and connected. And really, what’s the rush?
The second two reminders are mostly in regards to my daughter but are also applicable to me:
I have a strong aversion to mess but life and toddlerhood and art and a myriad of other things can be quite messy! So this is a reminder to myself to allow messes to happen. Throw a tarp down and let the kiddo paint a cardboard box and get covered in paint from head to toe. Let her dig in the mud and pour water in her sandbox. Let her play and be messy. And also, don’t be afraid to get messy yourself – with the kiddo, in your art, in your writing, in your music, in the kitchen, anywhere!
The other reminder is a crucial one. Get outside. Last year, when I had this reminder on fridge and I was having a bad day, it helped me to remember to take the kiddo outside. To a park or just in the backyard. On days when I have very little to give her, going outside always seems to help both of us. I get to recharge (being outside does that to me) and she gets to play happily as she tends to entertain herself very easily outside.
I’m happy and grateful to have these reminders back up on my refrigerator and I can see that they are already helping. What reminders do you have (or want to have) on your fridge? Let me know in the comments. 🙂
This past spring, my grandmother passed away. It was her heart – she’d been sick for a couple of years, in out of doctor’s offices and hospitals, but there wasn’t much that they could do beyond what they’d already done. I remember visiting with her one day after a particularly long hospital stint and she said, “I always knew it would be my heart.” In those few words, I heard all the things that couldn’t be said: how she’d given so much of her heart to others and, in many ways, neglected her responsibilities to her own heart.
When we drove in for her funeral, I knew that I wanted to speak and I knew what I would say. When she first got sick, I had a feeling it was the beginning of the end and I felt like I need to tell her all the reasons why I loved and admired her. So I wrote her a letter and was able to share it with her. In honor of that amazing and beautiful woman, I’d like to share that letter with you today:
Dear Meme, you deserve to know that I think you are an amazing, incredible, beautiful, inspiring woman and I am so honored to be your granddaughter.
You are so brave, adventurous and strong while still being nurturing, elegant and unbelievably kind. I admire very much who you are and try to emulate these qualities in my own life.
You deserve to know that you have inspired me to travel and see the world and expand my horizons. I love listening to your stories about your travels and adventures.
You deserve to know that I love getting hugs from you and cuddling with you – you are a great cuddler. And some of my best childhood memories are on your lap and in your arms – I remember thinking that the world was perfect in those moments and I felt deeply loved and nurtured.
You deserve to know that your willingness to grow and change leaves me in awe of you. I hope I, too, continue to grow and change for as long as I live.
You deserve to know that your ability to go to the opera in impeccable dress while laughing at a dirty joke in the car on the way there is one of the things I love about you. You are elegant and wonderfully silly all at the same time and I admire that about you so much.
You deserve to know that I admire your deep commitment to family. You want so much for all of us to succeed and be happy and you have definitely had an integral part in making that happen in all of our lives.
You deserve to know that I am so grateful to have inherited your love of music and so grateful that you shared with me what you know.
You deserve to know that I admire your ability to maintain life long friendships as well as forge new ones along the way, no matter where your life has taken you.
You deserve to know that I admire your bravery in meeting every challenge life has thrown you and I think we both know you’ve had a few. And yet you handle every challenge with determination and grace and it is an awesome sight to see.
You deserve to know that I am deeply moved by your long and beautiful marriage to a wonderful and goofy man and the loving family that you two created.
And you deserve to know that when I have grandchildren, I will make them eggs in a frame and drink coffee milk in bed with them in the mornings and tell them stories about my Meme & Paw.
But most importantly, you deserve to know that you have lived a wonderful and inspiring life and made a world of difference in mine.
My wonderful husband and I had a date very early on where we visited the beautiful Mecom Fountain. It was lovely and romantic and less than a year later it was also the place he proposed.
Another year later, on the morning after our wedding, we had a lovely breakfast at our hotel’s restaurant and could see the cascading fountain from our table as we sipped coffee and orange juice.
To say that this fountain has played a part in our romance would be an understatement. So when the time came for me to procure a ‘wood’ gift for our 5th Anniversary I decided to paint our beloved fountain on a wooden canvas with the words “I will always say Yes” painted at the bottom. Here was the result:
I mixed glow in the dark paint with the white. Because I’m a grown up. Acrylic on Wood.
The husband had no idea what I was getting him so what do you think he got me? A wooden jack knife easel that he burned our anniversary date and other sweet nothings into. We gave each other complementary anniversary gifts without even realizing it. And in case you’re wondering, yes, yes, we are this lovingly disgusting all the time. 😉
And for those of you looking for a partner to love (not that you need one to be happy or whole or anything in between) here’s some advice I got on my 21st birthday.
“You have to be friends. Somedays you won’t like each other, but you’ll still have to get along.”
Well, it’s finally here – I’ve published my coloring book! 😀
I started the rough draft when I was pregnant with my daughter and SOMEHOW I’ve managed to finish the rough draft, final draft and publish it while caring for a rambunctious one year old.
There are two ways to procure a copy:
1) On AmazonHERE.
Please forgive the pretentious title, but I sure am proud of my costume for this year’s local Art Car Parade. My friendSarah Gishhas a beautiful art car calledPhoenix Rising (which I’ve mentioned before) and she was kind enough to let me skate alongside. Here’s the Phoenix costume I created for the occasion:
The finished product – ready to roll!
I had a freaking blast! The best part definitely had to be the kids’ faces when they’d see me coming and the smiles and waves I got from them as I ‘flew’ by.
If you’re curious how I made my costume, it was heavily influenced by thisvery impressive Phoenix costume. I didn’t have the time or resources to be quite that elaborate, but I think my thrift store body suit,Amazon Isis wings and $30 Michael’s trip did it justice. Of course, I wasn’t without my share of hiccups:
No mannequin = paint in all sorts of places.
No mannequin means I paint with the body suit on and that fabric paint does not wash off easily.
Also, my impatient, walking 10 month old didn’t wait for paint to dry before resting against Mom’s leg.
One last note: we were in a car accident a few weekends ago (a lady ran a red light – we’re all okay). That’s not the exciting part though – the exciting part was that we had to get a new car and we got a fully electric 2013 Nissan Leaf. And it’s WHITE.
Look at the beautiful blank canvas.
Which means it’s just begging to be turned into an art car. Who knows where I’ll be at the next Art Car Parade. 😉
One of my teenage relatives was recently having a rough time of things.
This is what I would say to her (and my high school self).
Dear Teen,
I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear and already know: life isn’t fair. And sometimes, I think, a teen’s life can have extra bits of unfair-ness. First, there is school. Don’t even get me started on school. You can read about why school suckshere, here, and here. Then there is the fact that you’re almost sort-of an adult but not really. You are given tastes of freedom and independence but none of the trust or respect to go with it. “Be an adult. Stop acting childish” but also “Listen to me. Do what I say. You live under my roof, you have no rights.” This is in addition to the pressure and expectations of everyone around you: friends, teachers, parents, relatives, your church, your culture, the media, etc. And as the cherry on top are all of the ‘normal’ things in life that suck: trauma, abuse*, hardship, death, etc. What I’m trying to say here is that, generally, a teen’s life can really suck. And when your life has a tendency to suck, you tend to have a few bad days (or weeks or months or…).
This is for those times. The bad days. First, I’m going to give you some advice my mom gave me (yes, parents do actually know something from time to time): you can’t change anyone but yourself. Another gem from the old lady: what other people think about you is none of your business. And lastly: don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides (this includes the crap people post on Facebook). These three statements have profoundly changed the way I look at myself and the world.
MEDITATION : Am I spending enough time alone? Do I make time to deal with my big emotions? Do I make time to get in touch with myself and figure out who I am and what I want?
SELF-EXPRESSION : Am I making time to express myself in a way that feels true to my soul? Even if I’m not going to share it with another living person, it still needs to be expressed.
What I’ve just listed is essentially radical self care. And contrary to popular belief, caring for yourself is not selfish. It’s like they say on an airplane: you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else put on theirs. And let me tell you – self care isn’t easy. Change takes time and you will fall off the wagon. Be kind and gentle with yourself and just get back on. And don’t be afraid to ask for help or get creative.
And if all else fails, get some perspective: read a book, make a list of what you’re grateful for, help someone else, give back, focus on what you do have. The world is so much bigger and more beautiful than high school and you are stronger, wiser, braver, and more resilient and powerful than you know. Hang in there – I promise you it will get better.
Oh, and one final thing:
YOU ARE VALUED.
YOU ARE NEEDED.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU ARE LOVED.
All my love,
Angelle
*If you are currently in an abusive situation, I urge you to seek help. Please call one of the hotlines on this page. You will get through this. You will survive.
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“You have to be friends. Somedays you won’t like each other, but you’ll still have to get along.”