August 26, 2020

I Have a Superpower

angelleconant Living, Words books, feelings, reading, romance, stories 0 Comments

To be fair, I think a lot of other people have this superpower as well. And I think I’ve known about it, vaguely, for quite some time, but I don’t think it’s been this clear until today.

I have the power to take on a character’s feelings when I read a book and sometimes when I watch a TV show. So if a character’s heart has been hardened by trials & tribulations and is filled with anger, I am pissed. If a woman is furious with her thieving, cheating husband, I am angry with my husband (sorry, honey). And if a character has lost a loved one and is desperately sad, so am I. But it’s not all ‘bad’ feelings I get from these fictional characters. Good feelings pass along too. I just finished reading a romance novel and as I read it over the past few days, I was walking on air and feeling blissfully content, as if I had just fallen in love for the first time too. And if I watch a New Girl or Parks and Rec episode, I am imbued with the indomitable optimism of Jessica Day or Leslie Knope.

This power is partially what Jonathan Gottschall was talking about in The Storytelling Animal: How Stories Make Us Human (which I’ve mentioned before – it’s a good book, you should read it). Stories are extremely powerful for all humans. Combine that with my empathic nature and BOOM – you have a woman who has to choose very carefully what she reads and watches. As they say, you are what you eat and we eat with our eyes first.

With all the heaviness that has been overwhelming in reality lately, I’m choosing to feel blissfully content when I can and read me some romance novels. 😉

February 13, 2018

What if we could all have tantrums?

angelleconant Family, How Different The World Might Be, Living, Parenting, Words acceptance, children, compassion, family, feelings, living, motherhood, parenting, RIE, tantrum, women's circle 2 Comments

My daughter threw a 30 minute tantrum today.

What if we could all throw tantrums?

I say tantrum, but I look at it through more of an RIE parenting lense so really she had a 30 minute emotional release. And it all started because she wanted to play with the printer’s tray and I wouldn’t let her. I said, “I won’t let you play with the printer” and physically prevented her from reaching it. She pushed against my legs, crying for the next 30 minutes. And I just let her. I didn’t put her in time out; I didn’t try to bribe her or distract her with something else; I didn’t try to rationalize with her – I just quietly and calmly held the space for her to have her feelings. The most I did was prevent her from hurting me or herself and acknowledge her feelings a few times at the beginning. And I didn’t take it personally – I knew that all this crying and pushing wasn’t about me or about the printer. It was about something else entirely. Perhaps it was about all the changes that have taken place in our lives the past two months or the busy-ness of it all. Or perhaps it was something else entirely. To be honest? It doesn’t matter what it was about. What mattered was that I was able to be her safe harbor as her emotions crashed over her.

When we were about 20 minutes in, I started to wonder what the world might be like if everyone were able to have such emotional releases. If there was a judgment-free, intervention-free place where adults, teens, or children could express their anger or frustration or confusion or sadness or whatever else they might be feeling and have others quietly and courageously bear witness.

I was lucky enough to be a part of such a space for 7 years in my women’s circle and I can attest that it is truly powerful to be allowed to express one’s feelings with total acceptance. These marvelous women would bravely sit in a silent circle and bear witness to my pain. They would not offer me a tissue when my nose began to run or give me advice on how to ‘solve’ the problem. They would simply sit there, listening, watching & waiting, as I moved through my emotions. At times, the sobbing would slow down and it would seem that I was done, but these women were wise and knew to wait. A few minutes would pass and a new wave of grief or pain would wash over me and it would all begin again. They trusted that I was strong enough and capable enough to feel my feelings and to know when I was done. It was a powerful experience that I am incredibly grateful to have had and to have given to others as well, including my daughter today.

And what happened, you might ask, at the end of that thirty minutes? My sweet daughter lay on the floor, stomach down, completely spent and sniffling slightly as her breathing began to return to a normal pace. She lay there quietly breathing for about 5 minutes before she looked up at me slightly and said, “Can I watch Sarah & Duck?” And that was it. It was over and we cuddled on the couch watching our favorite duck waddle about on the TV.